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You were already there.. this whole time!

Raise your hand if you’ve been waiting.. waiting to buy a house (next year right).. waiting to get a better job (a little more training and I’ll get there).. waiting to lose weight (tomorrow I won’t eat the cookies).. waiting to get married (one day).. waiting for your calling (who even am I? What is my purpose? One day it will come to me!).. waiting to find that sweet spot in life.

Shocker.. you’re already there! 

I’m 39 and I feel like I’ve spent the good part of the last 10 years waiting on something to happen. And it recently hit me. While I was waiting for something to happen.. it already WAS happening right in front of me. Did I even see it? Was I looking? Did I absorb all the things? Did I kiss all the booboos. Did I smile all the smiles? Oh man! Where’s the paper bag? Wait what? But I’m not doing my calling. What is my purpose. Where even am I?

For a long time now I’ve just felt like I was spinning my wheels with no real purpose in life other than to keep the littles alive and just do my best day to day. I haven’t came to that point where I said ‘ah ha! I am finally what I said I wanted to be when I grew up!’. I’m just here. 

I have an amazing little business with amazing customers that just chugs along with minimal effort on marketing (gotta get better at that!). I get the kids here and there. I keep the hubby relatively happy (haha depends on the day right?). I’m a good friend. I’m a good daughter. But I just feel.. meh.. here. 

Why are we so hard on ourselves. Why is a normal day in our lives just meh? What possibly did I need to do better today for it to be that sweet spot and smile tonight as I go to bed instead of already making the mental to do list for tomorrow (that I know I’ll only half finish anyway so what’s the point.. and cue even more guilt!)? 

From my side I could have seen a Mama who’s belly was hurting and didn’t go to the gym (never miss a Monday.. haha yeah right!), who woke up her teenager 5 minutes before he needed to log into class, who zoned out the window at the new birds on the bird feeder when she should have been answering e-mail’s (I wrote it down in the planner after all!), who made a mess of the kitchen table separating toys and junk from the last month into categories for where they needed to go but never finished, who freaked out when one came home with a headache and couldn’t think straight, who’d didn’t get to spend time with hubby because I spent 2 hours walking because I just started a step challenge, who leaned on the teenager to do the dishes tonight while she ran around doing half of the half of the things she really needed to be doing. And on and on and sad expectation and let down on.

But why do I see everyone and everything I let down.. why don’t I see my purpose.. why don’t I see the small things? If I were to ask you what my day was like, if I were to ask you what you thought of me today.. it may go a little more like this.

From everyone else’s eyes it may have been slightly magical.. Zane felt Mama’s warm hands rubbing his back to wake up, the gentle reminder that he was excited to wear his new Christmas shoes to school.. wow Mom’s so warm and happy in the morning. The smiles given to Zane’s friends as they picked him up to walk to the bus together.. wow Zane’s Mom is so nice. Pulling a sleeping Marlee in closer as I snuggled back into bed with her, my spot still slightly warm but pulling my husbands freshly made side of his bed up and over me so I could smell him.. wow Mom loves me.. wow my wife loves me. Sitting on the bed next to Jake to gently wake him up, rubbing his back.. wow Mom is always there. Mama taking a video of Marlee playing princess with the puppy.. wow Mom thinks I’m funny. Mama checking on her plants and sharing all of the new things she see’s that day.. wow Mom see’s the beauty in such small things. Mama being so in awe of nature and the brand new family of birds that found her bird feeder after 10 days.. wow Mom loves nature. My team being thankful for the graphics I made and sent over, for the new info on a product launch, for the messages and being there when they needed me.. wow she is such a good leader. Laundry going, dishes running, dinner planned, the in’s and outs and hummm of a household full of people swirling, living, and being in the center of it like a conductor.. wow I don’t know how Mom does it all. Picking up the other line of a video chat, listening, talking, sharing.. wow she is such a good sister. Zane comes home with a headache and doesn’t know how us Mama’s are so anxious inside, he just feels the cool pack on his head, the chill of Mom and Dad’s fan, the warmth of Mom and Dad’s bed and Mama’s hands running through his hair until he felt better.. wow Mom takes such good care of me. 2 hours outdoors with the little’s, walking to the top of the neighborhood just to make sure we watched the sunset together, Mama waiting until Zane knew he had taken the perfect shot of the sunset, walking to the park and taking picture after picture of watch me do this, watch me do that, hold me, carry me, pick me up, help, watch, look! Going on a treasure hunt to find a geocache.. wow Mom I loved spending that time with you. Mama cooking an EveryPlate dinner, even though we don’t eat a bite of it, we love to watch her cook and spend time with her in the kitchen.. wow Mom is so patient. Mama moved everything off of the bed in the office so we could lay in bed next to each other and read, even though I only stayed 10 minutes.. wow she wanted to spend that time with me. Mama walked through the house back and forth until she got to 10,000 steps, we all laughed the whole time.. wow Mom is determined and strong. 

Why did I just type all of that out? Alllllllll of those little things that I did today. Because all of that right there, all balled up into one piece.. that is the sweet spot yall. We’re here. We’re in it. Most days I would have been too worried about everything I wasn’t doing right to see the beauty in a simple Monday like today. But not today. Today I got it. I watched. I listened. I hugged. I loved. I gave grace, and I expected grace. I reached out a warm hand, and I got one in return.

I won’t see the beauty in every moment of every day and in some of the moments of today I didn’t actually SEE it until after the fact. But I get it.. this right here.. this is where we always wished we were. No, things may not be perfect and you may still have dreams and ambitions and goals and that’s OK.. you’ll get there too. But for right now, stop being so dang hard on yourself for just.. being! Right now ‘being’ may actually be your calling. 

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